Parshat Toldot: Why Me?

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Parshat Toldot: Why Me?

Synopsis: Rebecca is barren, and Isaac prays for her. She finally conceives twins, Esau and Jacob, who are in constant conflict. Esau sells his birthright for a stew of lentils. Rebecca tells Jacob to pretend he is Esau when Isaac is about to die and give his blessing. Jacob receives Esau’s blessing, and then has to flee from Esau’s anger.

Our Text: Genesis 25:22: “The children struggled in her womb, and she said, if so, why do I exist?”

Our Question: Just what does Rebecca mean by “if this is so, why do I exist?” Is this an existential question, i.e. is she asking if her life is now useless; or is she asking if the fate after her difficult pregnancy is worth the pain she is now experiencing. Does she really mean that now that she is pregnant—something she wanted very badly—nothing is worth it? Or is she asking simply “why me, O God?”

Our commentators: 1)Nachmanides, known as Ramban (Rabbi Moshe ben Nachman.) Born in Girona in 1194, he died in the Land of Israel about 1270. He was a philosopher and kabbalist, and he believed strongly in faith and miracles. 2) Commenting on Ramban is Aviva Zornberg, who for the past twenty-five years has taught Torah in Jerusalem at Matan, Yakar, Pardes and the Jerusalem College for Adults. She is one of our generation’s leading Torah scholars.

Commentary: Ramban: “If the pain of pregnancy is so great, why did I pray for and aspire to pregnancy? Thus Rashi. But it is not correct. Rabbi Abraham ibn Ezra says that she asked the women if they had experienced such pains, and they said ‘no’ whereupon she said ‘ If the matter and custom of pregnancy be as they said, why am I beset with such an unusual pregnancy?...The correct interpretation in my opinion is that she said, ‘If it shall be so with me, why am I in this world? Would that I did not exist, that I should die or never have come into existence.” Zornberg: “Ramban reads Rebecca’s question as a radical challenge to being. Rebecca-as-Job strips the “I am” consciousness of all value. Such a nihilistic protest at the pain and conflict that the self must endure is, for Ramban, the first urge to prayer—‘and she went to inquire of the Lord.’ (25:22)

Explanation: Nachmanides is suggesting that Rebecca is asking the deepest of all questions: why is there pain and suffering in the world? And why do I experience it so personally? In fact, Rebecca desired thsat pregnancy more than anything. But when she got it, it wasn’t the “perfect” gift she has hoped for. With the reality of it, she had second thoughts. Maybe we shouldn’t pray at all for the things we think we want, lest we actually get them in all their truth?

Zornberg thinks that this existential suffering is what urges the human being onward to pray; indeed, to act. Zornberg continues, “Rebecca confronts the despair of the self, and discovers that the question of meaning has a dynamic force. Her despair is not to circle hollowly upon itself, but to launch searchings and researchings, inquiries for God.”

Concluding Thoughts: For Ramban, angst sends Rebecca to pray. Zornberg suggests the same angst sends Rebecca to act.

The question for us is, how do we react in the pain of the moment or in our suffering? Do we use our angst to send us forward into the unknown, seeking help, lending a hand to others who are also suffering, trying to find deeper meaning in our pain? Or do we use it to go further inward, convincing ourselves that we do not “deserve” to live, sending ourselves into self-fulfilling prophecies of personal doom, spiraling ever downward?

Rebecca will receive a prophecy explaining her physical pain. But we never find out if she has come to terms with her emotional confusion. Each of us must have a satisfying answer to her question, “why do I exist?”

Shabbat Shalom.